


Light and Shadow

by lucymonster



Category: Star Wars: The Rise of Kylo Ren (Comics)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bittersweet, First Love, Force Choking (Star Wars), Foreshadowing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:33:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27904525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucymonster/pseuds/lucymonster
Summary: It's not that Tai doesn't see the darkness in Ben. He's not stupid.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Tai
Comments: 9
Kudos: 20
Collections: Star Wars Rare Pairs 2020





	Light and Shadow

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kittens](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittens/gifts).



Ben kneads the dough like a crime lord has offered him ten thousand credits to teach it a lesson.

‘I think it’s done,’ Tai says, watching the pale elastic mound cringe away from Ben’s knuckles.

‘Not yet. It’s done when it springs back.’ Ben tries to push his hair out of his eyes with his forearm, achieving nothing except to smear flour on his nose and highlight the annoyance etched all over his face. ‘There’s no reason I should have to make bread from scratch when a droid could do it just as easily. Master’s singling me out again.’

It’s true that Ben spends more time cooking than most of the class. Kitchen duty is one of Master Luke’s go-to disciplinary assignments, and today Ben’s being disciplined for spraining Hennix’s wrist during training. It was an accident, he says, and Tai believes him – he was there when it happened, saw Ben’s training sword swing wide on an attempted parry, saw the alarm and remorse on his face when Hennix shouted in pain. But like Master said, good intentions won’t give Hennix his sword arm back. ‘He’s just trying to help you be better. Cooking is like meditation, if you think about it. All those billions of tiny yeasts inside a single lump of dough. Isn’t it amazing? You’re holding a whole population’s worth of lives in your hands.’

‘Not for long,’ Ben says grimly. Leaving the dough to prove, he tosses a log on the fire and stokes. ‘You ready for a massacre?’

Tai doesn’t like it when Ben jokes about that sort of thing. Master Luke teaches them to look for the Force in unlikely places, to practice mindfulness and humility in every daily task. Ben doesn’t take it seriously. Maybe that's because he doesn’t have to, because command of the Force comes so naturally to him, falling into his hands with ease while the others have to reach and grab and strive. Maybe the unpleasant prickle in Tai’s gut is jealousy. He admires Ben intensely, and he doesn’t _think_ he’s jealous, but even the most devout Jedi isn’t immune to the unpredictable ebbs and flows of human ego. When it happens, Master has taught them, you don’t tamp it down – you observe the feeling, acknowledge it, learn from it.

Maybe what Ben’s doing is embracing a different truth: death feeds life. The fiery demise of countless single-celled organisms is part of a cycle as old as time itself. They need to eat, so the bread needs to bake, and romanticising the process won’t change its basic nature.

‘You’ve got that look again,’ Ben says, as the flames lick up the side of the fireplace. ‘You’re thinking deep thoughts, aren’t you? You could write a book, you know. _Jedi Philosophy for Kitchen Hands._ I bet it would sell.’

‘I wouldn’t sell it,’ Tai says. ‘I’d give it away for free. Profiting off the Force's wisdom is not the Jedi way.’

That earns him a chuckle, throaty and warm, and the prickling thing inside Tai retracts its claws. Ben’s never more gorgeous than when he laughs. It lights him up from the inside out, makes his cheeks dimple and his eyes shine. The truth is, Tai’s not supposed to be in the kitchen at all. Ben’s punishment is a solitary one. But he can’t help himself.

Before he puts the loaf on to bake, Ben slashes the top. To help it expand, he says. The dough has the look of pale flesh drained of blood.

* * *

It’s only natural that their relationship develops the way it does. They’re older now – men, not boys, no matter how boyishly Tai’s stomach squirms when Ben looks at him, no matter how much Ben complains that Master Luke treats them like children – and desires that once were furtive and private have taken on a brand new urgency. They’re neither of them much good at kissing. Tai’s clumsy with his teeth and tongue, and Ben’s nose keeps getting in the way. But they’re not here for skill. They’re here for the raw, shivering pleasure of melding their bodies together, of feeling the Force flow between their joined skin in a way all Master Luke’s chaste lessons never could have taught them.

‘Someone’s going to walk in,’ Ben says.

‘Why would they?’ It’s late at night, and they’re alone in Tai’s private room, the last in a row of little wooden huts down the hill from the temple. ‘Relax, Ben. It’s just us.’

Ben’s taut as a bowstring, thrumming beneath Tai’s hands with more than just desire. He’s never off his guard these days. He thinks he hides it well, and maybe he does, from the others. Tai knows him too well and has watched him too closely to fall for the pretense.

‘Talk to me,’ he says. ‘Tell me what’s in your head. You know there’s nothing you can say to scare me off.’

‘Sometimes…’ Ben swallows. Shakes his head. Tai feels a wave of shame and fear course through him, disorienting in how separate they are from anything that’s happening inside the hut. ‘No. Let’s not talk.’ He kisses Tai again and catches his hand, guiding it down his body to cup the bulge between his legs. 

Tai’s not much good at this part either. He doesn’t need to be. They’re figuring it out on the fly, together, and a simple hand on Ben’s cock is enough to make them both breathless. It heats Tai’s blood to boiling point that something so basic can have such an effect. Ben carries so much unhappiness locked up inside. Tai has always dreamed of finding a way to ease his burden, to make him smile that beautiful smile of his. Sex almost always works.

But not tonight. Tonight, the dark cloud hangs over Ben even as Tai opens his robe and kisses a path down his chest. ‘We can try something different, if you want,’ he murmurs from the region of Ben’s navel. ‘I’m game.’

Ben’s hand is on the back of Tai’s head, cradling his bare scalp with the gentlest pressure. ‘I want…’ he starts again, and this time, after a moment’s red-cheeked hesitation, he manages to keep going. ‘I want to try something. I don’t know if you’ll be okay with it. It’s a bit … rough.’

‘Rough could be fun.’ 

Ben pulls Tai off him and rolls them both over. Tai has grown alongside him, watched him soar past normal adult height and keep going, but he still can’t stop catching his breath at how _large_ Ben is, how easily he can lift Tai and maneuver him around. Heat floods his body as Ben’s weight bears down on top of him. Their legs are tangled, hips pressed together, cocks grinding slowly the way they’re both starting to get the hang of. Ben’s eyes bore into Tai’s, intense enough that Tai can hardly breathe.

‘I want…’

‘Say it, Ben.’

‘I want to choke you.’

It’s not what Tai expected at all. Arousal and alarm war inside him, but he nods, and the look in Ben’s eyes is like nothing he’s ever seen before. It’s more than desire – it’s desperation. It takes the last of Tai’s breath away so completely that it barely makes a difference when Ben flexes a hand and uses the Force to constrict his windpipe.

It doesn't last long. Ben’s mouth falls open, and the rhythm of his hips turns erratic, and he comes with an animal snarl that rings in Tai’s ears long after it ends. Ben rolls off to the side, shaking like a leaf and visibly spent, but he replaces the pressure of his hips with his hand and strokes Tai’s cock until he comes as well, gasping Ben’s name.

They stare at each other, wide-eyed on the pillow.

‘That was…’ Hot. Weird. Terrifying. Tai doesn’t know the right word, but the clouds are gone now, and the darkness in Ben has been replaced by a trembling tenderness. He pulls Tai close. Drapes an arm around him and cradles Tai’s head in the hollow of his throat.

They fall asleep without any further attempt to talk about what happened. 

* * *

It’s not that Tai doesn’t see the darkness in Ben. He’s not stupid. It’s just that he sees all the rest of it, too, the light and the love and the goodness. 

He knows, as long as he can stay by Ben’s side, it’ll all balance out.


End file.
